Worries

As to what the future holds for me, I have no idea. I believe I will either go to Jeff State or UAB. I don’t know as of right now. I’m really nervous about not having friends next year. I am finally back home and I am happy and I get to hang out with two of my best friends all the time, but they will be leaving for Auburn in two months. That scares me. I don’t want this year to be like last year. It will obviously be better in the fact that I will have my family and I will have not one, but two great churches to go to. I am just praying that I will be able to find some Godly friends in those churches. I am hoping I can get involved in a great bible study or something. I am just so scared that I won’t have any friends, and I am someone who desperately needs relationships. I am very much a people person. I know God is sovereign and He will provide, but I can’t help but worry. That is something I am praying about and hopefully I will overcome that.

Redeeming Love

So I am reading this book, Redeeming Love by Francine Rivers, for the trillionth time. I read it a couple times a year and it never gets old. I seriously can't even count the times I've read it. I know it backwards and forwards but yet I still sob every time, I'm amazed by God' love for me every time, and I pray that God will give me a husband like Michael Hosea.
Every woman needs to read this to see what a husband should be and every man needs to read this to see what kind of man they should be.

I can't even describe my love for this book.
Read it.

Love

I adore:

• Mark Driscoll
• John Piper
• David Platt aka DP
  
• Matt Chandler

and have been listening to them CONSTANTLY here lately.
Anyway, I just heard of Matt Chandler the other day because someone posted a clip of him as their FB status. This clip is...wow. It breaks my heart and is such an incredible story. So, I now love him.
Some websites I love from these Godly men are:

John Piper
http://www.desiringgod.org/

Mark Driscoll
http://www.marshillchurch.org/


I love me some great Godly people. I need more in my life.


The Clip:

Broken Hearted

I am so broken hearted. I’m tired of everything in my life right now with the exception of a couple of things. I'm tired of this world and the thing in it. I don't want to be a part of any of it. I'm ready to be in Heaven with my Jesus.


I don’t like how I’m reacting to things that happen, or to people. I become jealous, bitter, and wonder why God made me the way I am. I don’t like being unhappy and sad, but people break my heart. I shouldn’t let people disappoint me, but they do. Others’ actions shouldn’t affect how I feel or how my day goes, but they do. I then begin to question why God placed certain people in my life. Is it to hurt me? It is obviously to teach me something, but I am constantly angry at myself for reverting back to my old ways. Sometimes I think maybe people are in my life so that Christ can reveal himself through me, but obviously not, because I am an utter failure at showing God‘s love. I wish I could take back the last 5 years and re-do them with the knowledge I have now. Everything would be different. I wouldn’t have so much shame, guilt, and regret, and I could have possible made a difference. I could be a better witness. I can’t take back the past, but I can do things differently in the future. I am excited to start over. Move back home, new college, new job place, hopefully some new friends. Maybe I’ll do it right this time. I know God has a plan for this mess that is my life.

All this being said,
God is sovereign.

Although no one died, I still feel this song fits.

Ramblings of Rebekah

Wooohooo! Only 5 weeks of school left! I am very ready to go home, and I am thrilled to see what will happen in the next year.

For some reason my posts on here are always serious. I guess I’m so goofy all of the time, and I rarely have deep conversations with people other than the parents and Whitney and Katie, that I just need to get it out. I mean, I am a very open person. There isn’t really anything that I won’t tell people. I don’t have secrets. I will have a deep conversation with anyone, but I think people peg me as the silly loud girl when they first meet me, and don’t really look further. People get surprised when they find out that I am extremely emotional, and when they find out that I’m not dumb. I think I give off the impression that I’m dumb without meaning to.
I have been talking about this with W&K and how I just don’t know what to do with my personality and being a Christian. I feel as though I should be docile, sweet, serious and shy little Christian girl, but I am so far from it. I am way too silly, and for some reason inappropriate things just slip out of my mouth, and then people place me in that category, and its hard to make the transition to a serious topic or witness. I don’t know what to do, because I think that I make people happy, but this just isn’t who I envisioned I would be.

I have this thing where I see myself in the future, and its such a great image, but its like the person isn’t me at all, well not my personality. And I’m wondering how I would get from the person I am today to then. Its unrealistic because its not me. Its kind of like how as a kid I thought I would feel grown up by 19, but in reality I still feel like a kid, and I’m not at all who the younger me thought I would be.

I don’t know if any of the above made sense at all haha.

I want to get involved in a bible study/small group next year. I need to find one. I think I’m going to go to Southeastern, and I super excited about that, but I just don’ know yet.

I want to do some kind of mission work this summer, I don’t have to go off, just around Birmingham, because I am not putting my faith into action, and that is wrong. I’m bad about focusing too much on what things I need to change in my life to help my personal Christian growth, when I should focus on serving others, because there is obviously a serious heart issue there if I am not. Because of my faith I should be wanting to help others and have a servants heart like Christ. I think about mission work and I want to do it, but it never seems to come to fruition.


What I’m praying for:
A servant’s heart
A lead in to witnessing to others while keeping my personality
A group of friends for next year (I’m always praying for friends it seems... sad)
A college to go to
That I will someday be a part of something beautiful that serves the Lord

God is cool.

Jeremiah 29:11 For I know the plans I have for you declares the Lord, plans for welfare and not for evil, to give you a future and a hope.

I’ve gone through a lot of things in my life, that at the time I just didn’t understand. I used to get so angry at God and wonder why He was doing this or that to me. Its really neat to see as I get older, and thankfully more mature, that God actually has a plan. Who knew?! Haha. I can look back on events that were so tragic in my life and be amazed by how God used these unpleasant circumstances in such an astoundingly beautiful way. Its exciting to know that when I look back in a couple of years I might see how some disappointing things that happened this year are just puzzle pieces to make something extraordinary.

Psalm 19:1 The heavens declare the glory of God, and the sky above proclaims his handiwork.

I am in awe of my Heavenly Father. He created such beauty and I am utterly astounded by it. I want to find a field in the middle of nowhere and be able to lift my hands and praise my Savior with the beautiful sun shining down. I want to go where there are no lights and stare up at the beautiful stars for hours and be alone with my Lord.

I miss Shelby County, and even though its suburbia, It is a bit harder to find such beauty in Tuscaloosa. Don’t get me wrong, hardly a day goes by when I don’t see God’s glory through nature, but its harder with such big buildings everywhere I go. I live in a concrete world when I want to live in one of flowers and trees and grass. I’m excited about spring break because I know there are some fields in Birmingham, and some places with no lights, and I plan to find them. I don’t know that I’d feel quite safe doing that in Tuscaloosa haha.


Lamentations 3:22-24 The steadfast love of the Lord never ceases; his mercies never come to an end; they are new every morning; great is your faithfulness. The Lord is my portion, says my soul, therefore I will hope in him.

I am really looking forward to what God has in store for next year. I have never been one for change, but I can’t even describe how ecstatic I am about something I should probably be disappointed about. I know God is sovereign, so why should I worry? I think this is the first time in my life that I’m not worrying about something, and its actually something big. I’m living proof that people can completely change. I don’t know what the future holds and I’m okay with that. Each day I can wake up knowing that God is in control, loves me, and cares more about what happens to me than I do.

God is cool.

College Thus Far

It would be an understatement saying that college has been a big change.

First Semester:
Well first semester was tough to say the least. To experience the greatest year of your life, then have to leave it all behind and come to Tuscaloosa where I couldn’t seem to find people who think like me was such a heartbreaking thing. When a person is new in their faith, they need that encouragement, and I wasn’t getting that. I also had a new job that I didn’t like, and I was just an unhappy person. I was ungrateful and angry and bitter. Every time I would go home to see my family all I did was complain and cry. I wanted to be happy but I just couldn’t seem to be. I started to pray to be content with my job and school which took a long time and a lot of prayer. I was surprised when I wrote a note on facebook about my struggles how many people encouraged me. Towards the end of last semester I still searching for a group of good Christian friends, but I had become so much more content with my job. I began to wonder if God had other plans as far as schooling goes for me next year.

Second Semester:
I came back to school and was a little homesick and realized school was going to take so much more effort this semester. I began going to Wesley Foundation with Sarah Foust and loved it. I’ve been going ever since, and have met so many great people. Work is still work. Its not unbearable, but I definitely don’t want to work at target for the rest of my life. I’m just trying to make it to May 8th haha. I usually have to memorize a bible verse about being joyful in all circumstances while I’m there, along with a lot of prayer so that I don’t whine too much (which I tend to do). I don’t want people to view me as an unhappy person, luckily I don’t think people do. They mostly see me as goofy. I’m the “crazy white girl” at work haha.
So this semester I have been happy and I began to think that God wants me here now. Every thing was beginning to come together. I was about to sign a lease on an apartment with some great girls I met at Wesley, and was really excited about the future. I went to look at my FAFSA to see how much I would be getting in loans, and was shocked to see my “expected family contribution” We were expected to pay four times the amount we did this year. The amount we would have to pay was more than college itself. In other words, no loans for me. I became panic stricken and got so upset. I tried to see if I could apply to become independent, since my parents weren’t paying for school, well all of it anyways. I was annoyed because my parents are too “well off” for me to get loans. That is ridiculous because they aren’t. I mean we are extremely blessed but in no way can we afford to pay for all of college. I was so confused because I thought God wanted me to go to UA.

I kind of relate to this thing that Derek Luquire once told Whitney, Katie, and me in the Asbury parking lot:
Its like God is telling me to go up the mountain to the cross. When I’m almost there He says,
“Now I want you to go to the van at the other end of the parking lot.”
“But, God, I’m almost to the cross.”
“Well, I want you to stop and obey me.”
Its not so much about going to the places, but more about the journey and listening to Him and obeying whether it makes since to you at the time or not. Its about teaching me to listen and obey no matter what.

This is how I feel. God is now telling me to go home for the next year and save money. I don’t need to question God and tell him, “Well, You told me last month to stay here” God is God period. Who am I to question Him? I might not see the big picture now, but I know that my God is sovereign and He has a plan, so there is no reason to worry

So, next years possible plan:
Go to Jeff State in the fall and finish my core classes. If I’m not finished by Spring, continue to do core subjects. If I am, go to UAB in the spring and get some of my teacher courses out of the way. Then my junior and senior year come back to UA.
This of course is tentative. Only God knows what my plans are. My plans can change, because they don’t matter.
As the saying goes: “If you want to hear God laugh, tell Him your plans.”