Worries

As to what the future holds for me, I have no idea. I believe I will either go to Jeff State or UAB. I don’t know as of right now. I’m really nervous about not having friends next year. I am finally back home and I am happy and I get to hang out with two of my best friends all the time, but they will be leaving for Auburn in two months. That scares me. I don’t want this year to be like last year. It will obviously be better in the fact that I will have my family and I will have not one, but two great churches to go to. I am just praying that I will be able to find some Godly friends in those churches. I am hoping I can get involved in a great bible study or something. I am just so scared that I won’t have any friends, and I am someone who desperately needs relationships. I am very much a people person. I know God is sovereign and He will provide, but I can’t help but worry. That is something I am praying about and hopefully I will overcome that.

Ramblings of Rebekah

Wooohooo! Only 5 weeks of school left! I am very ready to go home, and I am thrilled to see what will happen in the next year.

For some reason my posts on here are always serious. I guess I’m so goofy all of the time, and I rarely have deep conversations with people other than the parents and Whitney and Katie, that I just need to get it out. I mean, I am a very open person. There isn’t really anything that I won’t tell people. I don’t have secrets. I will have a deep conversation with anyone, but I think people peg me as the silly loud girl when they first meet me, and don’t really look further. People get surprised when they find out that I am extremely emotional, and when they find out that I’m not dumb. I think I give off the impression that I’m dumb without meaning to.
I have been talking about this with W&K and how I just don’t know what to do with my personality and being a Christian. I feel as though I should be docile, sweet, serious and shy little Christian girl, but I am so far from it. I am way too silly, and for some reason inappropriate things just slip out of my mouth, and then people place me in that category, and its hard to make the transition to a serious topic or witness. I don’t know what to do, because I think that I make people happy, but this just isn’t who I envisioned I would be.

I have this thing where I see myself in the future, and its such a great image, but its like the person isn’t me at all, well not my personality. And I’m wondering how I would get from the person I am today to then. Its unrealistic because its not me. Its kind of like how as a kid I thought I would feel grown up by 19, but in reality I still feel like a kid, and I’m not at all who the younger me thought I would be.

I don’t know if any of the above made sense at all haha.

I want to get involved in a bible study/small group next year. I need to find one. I think I’m going to go to Southeastern, and I super excited about that, but I just don’ know yet.

I want to do some kind of mission work this summer, I don’t have to go off, just around Birmingham, because I am not putting my faith into action, and that is wrong. I’m bad about focusing too much on what things I need to change in my life to help my personal Christian growth, when I should focus on serving others, because there is obviously a serious heart issue there if I am not. Because of my faith I should be wanting to help others and have a servants heart like Christ. I think about mission work and I want to do it, but it never seems to come to fruition.


What I’m praying for:
A servant’s heart
A lead in to witnessing to others while keeping my personality
A group of friends for next year (I’m always praying for friends it seems... sad)
A college to go to
That I will someday be a part of something beautiful that serves the Lord

College Thus Far

It would be an understatement saying that college has been a big change.

First Semester:
Well first semester was tough to say the least. To experience the greatest year of your life, then have to leave it all behind and come to Tuscaloosa where I couldn’t seem to find people who think like me was such a heartbreaking thing. When a person is new in their faith, they need that encouragement, and I wasn’t getting that. I also had a new job that I didn’t like, and I was just an unhappy person. I was ungrateful and angry and bitter. Every time I would go home to see my family all I did was complain and cry. I wanted to be happy but I just couldn’t seem to be. I started to pray to be content with my job and school which took a long time and a lot of prayer. I was surprised when I wrote a note on facebook about my struggles how many people encouraged me. Towards the end of last semester I still searching for a group of good Christian friends, but I had become so much more content with my job. I began to wonder if God had other plans as far as schooling goes for me next year.

Second Semester:
I came back to school and was a little homesick and realized school was going to take so much more effort this semester. I began going to Wesley Foundation with Sarah Foust and loved it. I’ve been going ever since, and have met so many great people. Work is still work. Its not unbearable, but I definitely don’t want to work at target for the rest of my life. I’m just trying to make it to May 8th haha. I usually have to memorize a bible verse about being joyful in all circumstances while I’m there, along with a lot of prayer so that I don’t whine too much (which I tend to do). I don’t want people to view me as an unhappy person, luckily I don’t think people do. They mostly see me as goofy. I’m the “crazy white girl” at work haha.
So this semester I have been happy and I began to think that God wants me here now. Every thing was beginning to come together. I was about to sign a lease on an apartment with some great girls I met at Wesley, and was really excited about the future. I went to look at my FAFSA to see how much I would be getting in loans, and was shocked to see my “expected family contribution” We were expected to pay four times the amount we did this year. The amount we would have to pay was more than college itself. In other words, no loans for me. I became panic stricken and got so upset. I tried to see if I could apply to become independent, since my parents weren’t paying for school, well all of it anyways. I was annoyed because my parents are too “well off” for me to get loans. That is ridiculous because they aren’t. I mean we are extremely blessed but in no way can we afford to pay for all of college. I was so confused because I thought God wanted me to go to UA.

I kind of relate to this thing that Derek Luquire once told Whitney, Katie, and me in the Asbury parking lot:
Its like God is telling me to go up the mountain to the cross. When I’m almost there He says,
“Now I want you to go to the van at the other end of the parking lot.”
“But, God, I’m almost to the cross.”
“Well, I want you to stop and obey me.”
Its not so much about going to the places, but more about the journey and listening to Him and obeying whether it makes since to you at the time or not. Its about teaching me to listen and obey no matter what.

This is how I feel. God is now telling me to go home for the next year and save money. I don’t need to question God and tell him, “Well, You told me last month to stay here” God is God period. Who am I to question Him? I might not see the big picture now, but I know that my God is sovereign and He has a plan, so there is no reason to worry

So, next years possible plan:
Go to Jeff State in the fall and finish my core classes. If I’m not finished by Spring, continue to do core subjects. If I am, go to UAB in the spring and get some of my teacher courses out of the way. Then my junior and senior year come back to UA.
This of course is tentative. Only God knows what my plans are. My plans can change, because they don’t matter.
As the saying goes: “If you want to hear God laugh, tell Him your plans.”