Calling.

Calling. Hmmm, what is mine? Well, that has been quite the topic with me and God. I feel like our conversations are consumed by this. When I talk about “my calling” I mean what God wants me to do with my life, but I think there are different kinds of callings, or I define them differently. 1^st and foremost I am called to be a follower of Christ. Period. The end. That is my goal, my journey, my purpose. That is the big calling. In this calling I consider all that goes along with, and is a part of being a Christian. This will not and cannot change.

I have, from the time I can remember, felt that my calling is to be a wife and a mother to whoever God gives me. That is the second calling, and this includes being a Proverbs 31 and Titus 2 wife, and following Ephesians 5:22-24, 1 Peter 3:1-7, as well as many others. I am to be an encourager and partner to this man. I am called to raise up children with knowledge about God, and pray for them, that they will come to the faith. I want to raise up children who are, as John Piper has said, “Christ-exalting, Bible-cherishing, Spirit-filled, doctrinally Reformed, people-loving, hard-thinking, deep-feeling, justice-advancing, and globally aware” while striving to be these things myself.

God has perfectly equipped me to be these things, and it is so beautiful to see how intimately He knows my heart and my desires and loves me in spite of myself. He made me so intricately with tiny quirks that mold to His plan in a way that shouts and praises His name.
So we have the first two callings down. Now to the third calling, at the moment I am called to be a teacher, and that is what I am going to school to do. I don’t know the details of this calling; God can take this and do with it what He will. This calling can change; If God wants me to do something else tomorrow, I am there.

From then on, the callings are smaller. For example, I know God wants me to be at Asbury at this point in time, but I do not know why yet. The struggle comes in when I begin to compare my calling to that of others. I guess, at times, I feel as though mine are plain, basic, trivial, or simplistic. I love all of these things that are part of, or are going to be a part of my life, but I suppose I sometimes wish I was called to be a missionary in a foreign country. I would love it if I was supposed to do something extreme and different. At the moment I am not called to go to another country of do something wild or unique. This could definitely change. Considering the fact that my callings are to be a wife, mother and teacher, everything else can change, like location, or area of teaching, or even vocation. The location and job are dependent on what God wants my future husband to do. I am to follow Christ and obey the authority He has given my future husband.

When I see people in my life that I love so much, doing, or planning to do, all of these incredible, comfort zone pushing, life changing things, I get jealous. This is not saying that I don’t love God’s plan for my life, because I do. It is just that I can see God moving so much in their lives and in those that they come in contact with. I wish that I could see God moving more in His plans for my life.

I don’t want to be seen as this typical American “Christian” who doesn’t live for God. They are so much of this world that Christ is an afterthought, if even that. I don’t want to be viewed as someone who does something typical because they are scared of putting action behind their faith. I want people to see that I have been transformed by the LORD’s extravagant love, grace, and mercy; and am willing to do anything that He will have me do.

I guess the issue comes about when I get calling judgy. Who am I to disrespect God’s plan for my life. It is disgusting. He is God, sovereign beautiful creator of the universe, and I act as though what He wants me to do isn’t good enough. This reminds me of Romans 9:20, which says, “But who are you, O man, to answer back to God? Will what is molded say to its molder, "Why have you made me like this?" - The answer is NO by the way.

Precious Savior, purge the sin from me, so that I may become more like you. Refine me in whatever way necessary, getting rid of the jealousy, coveting, self pity, arrogance, and anything not of you. Mold my desires to match your desires. Thank you for your mercy and your plan Abba Father.

Worries

As to what the future holds for me, I have no idea. I believe I will either go to Jeff State or UAB. I don’t know as of right now. I’m really nervous about not having friends next year. I am finally back home and I am happy and I get to hang out with two of my best friends all the time, but they will be leaving for Auburn in two months. That scares me. I don’t want this year to be like last year. It will obviously be better in the fact that I will have my family and I will have not one, but two great churches to go to. I am just praying that I will be able to find some Godly friends in those churches. I am hoping I can get involved in a great bible study or something. I am just so scared that I won’t have any friends, and I am someone who desperately needs relationships. I am very much a people person. I know God is sovereign and He will provide, but I can’t help but worry. That is something I am praying about and hopefully I will overcome that.

Ramblings of Rebekah

Wooohooo! Only 5 weeks of school left! I am very ready to go home, and I am thrilled to see what will happen in the next year.

For some reason my posts on here are always serious. I guess I’m so goofy all of the time, and I rarely have deep conversations with people other than the parents and Whitney and Katie, that I just need to get it out. I mean, I am a very open person. There isn’t really anything that I won’t tell people. I don’t have secrets. I will have a deep conversation with anyone, but I think people peg me as the silly loud girl when they first meet me, and don’t really look further. People get surprised when they find out that I am extremely emotional, and when they find out that I’m not dumb. I think I give off the impression that I’m dumb without meaning to.
I have been talking about this with W&K and how I just don’t know what to do with my personality and being a Christian. I feel as though I should be docile, sweet, serious and shy little Christian girl, but I am so far from it. I am way too silly, and for some reason inappropriate things just slip out of my mouth, and then people place me in that category, and its hard to make the transition to a serious topic or witness. I don’t know what to do, because I think that I make people happy, but this just isn’t who I envisioned I would be.

I have this thing where I see myself in the future, and its such a great image, but its like the person isn’t me at all, well not my personality. And I’m wondering how I would get from the person I am today to then. Its unrealistic because its not me. Its kind of like how as a kid I thought I would feel grown up by 19, but in reality I still feel like a kid, and I’m not at all who the younger me thought I would be.

I don’t know if any of the above made sense at all haha.

I want to get involved in a bible study/small group next year. I need to find one. I think I’m going to go to Southeastern, and I super excited about that, but I just don’ know yet.

I want to do some kind of mission work this summer, I don’t have to go off, just around Birmingham, because I am not putting my faith into action, and that is wrong. I’m bad about focusing too much on what things I need to change in my life to help my personal Christian growth, when I should focus on serving others, because there is obviously a serious heart issue there if I am not. Because of my faith I should be wanting to help others and have a servants heart like Christ. I think about mission work and I want to do it, but it never seems to come to fruition.


What I’m praying for:
A servant’s heart
A lead in to witnessing to others while keeping my personality
A group of friends for next year (I’m always praying for friends it seems... sad)
A college to go to
That I will someday be a part of something beautiful that serves the Lord

God is cool.

Jeremiah 29:11 For I know the plans I have for you declares the Lord, plans for welfare and not for evil, to give you a future and a hope.

I’ve gone through a lot of things in my life, that at the time I just didn’t understand. I used to get so angry at God and wonder why He was doing this or that to me. Its really neat to see as I get older, and thankfully more mature, that God actually has a plan. Who knew?! Haha. I can look back on events that were so tragic in my life and be amazed by how God used these unpleasant circumstances in such an astoundingly beautiful way. Its exciting to know that when I look back in a couple of years I might see how some disappointing things that happened this year are just puzzle pieces to make something extraordinary.

Psalm 19:1 The heavens declare the glory of God, and the sky above proclaims his handiwork.

I am in awe of my Heavenly Father. He created such beauty and I am utterly astounded by it. I want to find a field in the middle of nowhere and be able to lift my hands and praise my Savior with the beautiful sun shining down. I want to go where there are no lights and stare up at the beautiful stars for hours and be alone with my Lord.

I miss Shelby County, and even though its suburbia, It is a bit harder to find such beauty in Tuscaloosa. Don’t get me wrong, hardly a day goes by when I don’t see God’s glory through nature, but its harder with such big buildings everywhere I go. I live in a concrete world when I want to live in one of flowers and trees and grass. I’m excited about spring break because I know there are some fields in Birmingham, and some places with no lights, and I plan to find them. I don’t know that I’d feel quite safe doing that in Tuscaloosa haha.


Lamentations 3:22-24 The steadfast love of the Lord never ceases; his mercies never come to an end; they are new every morning; great is your faithfulness. The Lord is my portion, says my soul, therefore I will hope in him.

I am really looking forward to what God has in store for next year. I have never been one for change, but I can’t even describe how ecstatic I am about something I should probably be disappointed about. I know God is sovereign, so why should I worry? I think this is the first time in my life that I’m not worrying about something, and its actually something big. I’m living proof that people can completely change. I don’t know what the future holds and I’m okay with that. Each day I can wake up knowing that God is in control, loves me, and cares more about what happens to me than I do.

God is cool.

College Thus Far

It would be an understatement saying that college has been a big change.

First Semester:
Well first semester was tough to say the least. To experience the greatest year of your life, then have to leave it all behind and come to Tuscaloosa where I couldn’t seem to find people who think like me was such a heartbreaking thing. When a person is new in their faith, they need that encouragement, and I wasn’t getting that. I also had a new job that I didn’t like, and I was just an unhappy person. I was ungrateful and angry and bitter. Every time I would go home to see my family all I did was complain and cry. I wanted to be happy but I just couldn’t seem to be. I started to pray to be content with my job and school which took a long time and a lot of prayer. I was surprised when I wrote a note on facebook about my struggles how many people encouraged me. Towards the end of last semester I still searching for a group of good Christian friends, but I had become so much more content with my job. I began to wonder if God had other plans as far as schooling goes for me next year.

Second Semester:
I came back to school and was a little homesick and realized school was going to take so much more effort this semester. I began going to Wesley Foundation with Sarah Foust and loved it. I’ve been going ever since, and have met so many great people. Work is still work. Its not unbearable, but I definitely don’t want to work at target for the rest of my life. I’m just trying to make it to May 8th haha. I usually have to memorize a bible verse about being joyful in all circumstances while I’m there, along with a lot of prayer so that I don’t whine too much (which I tend to do). I don’t want people to view me as an unhappy person, luckily I don’t think people do. They mostly see me as goofy. I’m the “crazy white girl” at work haha.
So this semester I have been happy and I began to think that God wants me here now. Every thing was beginning to come together. I was about to sign a lease on an apartment with some great girls I met at Wesley, and was really excited about the future. I went to look at my FAFSA to see how much I would be getting in loans, and was shocked to see my “expected family contribution” We were expected to pay four times the amount we did this year. The amount we would have to pay was more than college itself. In other words, no loans for me. I became panic stricken and got so upset. I tried to see if I could apply to become independent, since my parents weren’t paying for school, well all of it anyways. I was annoyed because my parents are too “well off” for me to get loans. That is ridiculous because they aren’t. I mean we are extremely blessed but in no way can we afford to pay for all of college. I was so confused because I thought God wanted me to go to UA.

I kind of relate to this thing that Derek Luquire once told Whitney, Katie, and me in the Asbury parking lot:
Its like God is telling me to go up the mountain to the cross. When I’m almost there He says,
“Now I want you to go to the van at the other end of the parking lot.”
“But, God, I’m almost to the cross.”
“Well, I want you to stop and obey me.”
Its not so much about going to the places, but more about the journey and listening to Him and obeying whether it makes since to you at the time or not. Its about teaching me to listen and obey no matter what.

This is how I feel. God is now telling me to go home for the next year and save money. I don’t need to question God and tell him, “Well, You told me last month to stay here” God is God period. Who am I to question Him? I might not see the big picture now, but I know that my God is sovereign and He has a plan, so there is no reason to worry

So, next years possible plan:
Go to Jeff State in the fall and finish my core classes. If I’m not finished by Spring, continue to do core subjects. If I am, go to UAB in the spring and get some of my teacher courses out of the way. Then my junior and senior year come back to UA.
This of course is tentative. Only God knows what my plans are. My plans can change, because they don’t matter.
As the saying goes: “If you want to hear God laugh, tell Him your plans.”

O Praise Him!

This video brings me such joy.

Wicked and Amazing Savior.

I was going through my word documents and found some things I had written over the last year, and I think I will post them.

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Wicked
9/25/08
Today is just one of those days that I realize what a wicked human I am. I sin constantly and deserve nothing. It also means its one of those days that I see grace from my Savior and realize how blessed I am and how lost I could be.
Moments like these make me think of Romans 7:11-25. "What a wicked man I am". That leads me to think of Romans 8:1: "Therefore, there is now no condemnation for those who are in Christ Jesus".

Oh how blessed i am even in my worst moments


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Amazing Savior
I don't know the exact date
(Fall 2008)

My Savior is so amazing! He has blessed me so much this past year. Its hard to believe its been almost a year or a few months shy since the "change". Its hard to believe I ever lived the way I did, that I thought the way I did, and I thought it was okay, that I was doing pretty good with life and pleasing God.
Thankfully I've learned that I can't. I'm not pleasing, nothing I do is right if I don't have God at the forefront of my life. I used to think it was about me, about me and God. Then it hit me hard that its so not about me. Life is purely about God and His glory. I'm just blessed to be able to be a part of it. He is teaching me so much and transforming me completely. I don't know that anyone would recognize who I am today compared to who I was. Now I am his.

I used to think everything I did was okay because God gave grace. right? I used to think a lot of things that were skewed..
That’s when I came across the lovely verse that is Romans 6:1
Now its different. There is a want to please God, to do what He commands. The sin lurking there is now sickening, where as it used to be no big deal.

I see now that If I’m truly the Christian that I say I am, its living the life of one. Its not just a prayer. Its a lifestyle, an eternity, a passion for Christ, a need to be with him. A need for Christ to fill you. Christ will shine through you, and you will have joy in Him, and ONLY in Him can you find that joy.

My Savior is amazing.

---Let my life shine, come and let my heart shine
We’re going to walk the world and lift the bread and wine
Like the stars shine, come and let our hearts shine
In a dark world, we lift the bread and wine

Testimony

Hmm… Where to begin? I don’t know. Why don’t we start off as a child.
I was always a “good” child. I did what I was supposed to. At least in front of others. I always cared about what others thought. I put up a front and was always polite. The problem with this was that I thought I was a good child. Now I knew I couldn’t get to heaven by works. No, I was taught well, but I thought now that I asked Jesus into my heart, well I was a good Christian. I mean I hadn’t ever done anything bad. EVER. Therefore as I got older I could judge others. I was about as good as a person could be right?
When this so called “good” person became a pre-teen, and she got a best friend. That is when the pattern started. The pattern was that I would put all my hope and joy in this best friend, and then this best friend wouldn’t want to be my friend for various reasons. After the person wouldn’t be my friend, I would be friendless, and of course I would turn to God. It was always in the winter for some reason. The friendship would end in the fall and in the winter would be God time. This happened with three people. It seems so long ago, but my last friendship ended a little more than a year ago. I loved all these friends so dearly. Before I can go on I need to tell you about my life for the two years before “the change.”
As I said before, I was a “good” child. That was until my sophomore year in high school. I did many things I’m not proud of. Many people wouldn’t view have I behaved as too terribly bad, I just know that I did things that I’m not okay with, and that I know my Savior’s not okay with. I was lukewarm, and I knew it, and was okay with it. I was okay with being lukewarm. It hurts thinking about that now. I knew better. I was close to being spit out of the mouth of God. (Revelation 3:16: So, because you are lukewarm, and neither hot nor cold, I will spit you out of my mouth.)
My thinking in those days was that God gives grace, why not use it. Does it really matter what I do? He will forgive me no matter what. It was intentional sinning, knowing that I would confess later. That is how I lived my life. Oh I knew I was a Christian and that God existed, and that I shouldn’t do anything really really bad. I was still better than others that did worse things than me. I was better because I was a Christian too. Right?
I had a blast those two years, sinning like that was awesome. I mean why wouldn’t you sin if you can receive a get out of hell free card at the end of everyday if you just said that you were sorry, and knew you shouldn’t have done that. It was like when I was forced to apologize for hitting my brother Jonna. I always said it, but did I really mean it? No! he deserved it. I just wanted to appease my parents so I could keep doing what I wanted. When I confessed I was just trying to keep on God’s good side so that I wouldn’t get consequences, and so I could do it all over the next day. That was my life in those days. And I was fine with it. I saw no need to change.
Last July(2007) I got a new car, my dad’s lovely x-terra. Black, and beautiful. (I’m still paying it off.) My best friend at the time and I were going out to shop and go to dinner. When we got in the car, I turned on the radio, and that was my first memory of a “God-stop” moment. In a booming voice, like God himself was speaking came the words:
What shall we say then? Are we to continue in sin that grace may abound? By no means! How can we who died to sin still live in it?

That verse is Romans 6:1-2, and I can tell you that I will never forget that moment or those words. Of course I quickly shut off my dad’s bible on tape and turned it to some rap station. What an awkward moment to be caught in your sin, realize that God isn't so naive, He knew how I had been living, and He wasn't okay with it. That is a stop you in your tracks kind of moment.
That was the start of it all. I still lived the way I had previously for another couple of months but that lifestyle was ripped away from me when my best friend “broke up with me”, and along with her all of the other friends in the group. So basically I’m saying I had no friends other than maybe two?
This is where Whitney Lowery comes into the mess called my life. Let me tell you about Whitney first. She is my hero, but mostly an amazing gift from God. She is one of those people that is actually that nice. It isn’t a front, it is God shining through her. She loves deeply, she is friendly, and always welcoming. Oh and she is super cool. She is one of those Christians that you want to be. She isn’t a fake, and she has a passion for Christ, and Christ uses her to get other people excited about Him. You can talk to her forever about Christ and it is always so interesting, and you will always learn new things. The great thing though, is that she is right there learning with you. She doesn’t claim to know it all and she is so eager to learn. So pretty much Whitney is the coolest person ever.
What did Whitney do that made her so great in your eyes you ask? Well, she invited me to youth group at the church that I worked at. She even stayed with me and introduced me to people, and acted as though she was proud to introduce me.
It isn’t as thought I wasn’t a church go-er. I always went to church until I got a job in a nursery working on Sundays. That night there was a video of Louie Giglio speaking about the universe and how incredible God is. Everything that God had been trying to show my just came to the forefront, It was like an awakening. I cried. It changed me. God changed me. My life was no longer mine at that point. I was in over my head, I was in love with my Savior. It had never been like this before. In 18 years of hearing about Christ I finally got it. I don't just know of Christ anymore, I know Him. I have a relationship with Him. Over the past 16 months I have grown in my relationship with Christ, some great followers of Christ that God sent me have helped with that. I’m a different person now. I have that passion that I saw in Whitney, I have that deep love that I so desperately needed and wanted. Of course there are struggles. Jesus tells us that we will. “I have said these things to you, that in me you may have peace. In the world you will have trouble. But take heart; I have overcome the world." - john 16:33, and in 1 Peter 5:10 - “And after you have suffered a little while, the God of all grace, who has called you to his eternal glory in Christ, will himself restore, confirm, strengthen, and establish you.”
In all my trials and tribulation, I know that I have my Lord, and I can lean on him. He is strong enough for the both of us. And I can lean firm on him, knowing that everything is for his glory and that’s what I want, to bring him glory.